Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
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Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I had to Stop for this