I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
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“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Single and childfree like Jesus
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
channeling her this year
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…