Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
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I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…