My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
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They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time