1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
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Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Awwwww shit.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.