[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
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I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.