Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
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5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……