[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
You Might Also Like
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
This is the coolest video you will see today.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.