Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
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Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered