It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
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The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!