me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
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WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Blew out my flip flop…
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
These are my roll models.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely