This makes total sense…
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“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
*seductively eats two tums*
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”