Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
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I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts