If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
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People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
AM I BEING GASLIT????
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes