My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
You Might Also Like
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches