grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
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Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart