you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
You Might Also Like
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is