I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
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They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
same bro
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
🚲+physics = winner
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.