My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
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Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma