When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
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Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?