Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
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Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
motivation
craving $300 all of a sudden
🥶🥶🐶🐶
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood