Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
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To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I’m calling the cops.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Van Gone
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
ATMs should have breathalyzers
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.