66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
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Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
2022 be like
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
hi why am I like this
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else