if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
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God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.