waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
You Might Also Like
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
The old gods are rising again.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.