My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
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Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
good for her
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.