I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
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Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
dads on road-trips be like
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings