New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
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Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Stop being racist to kettles.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂