Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
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I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.