I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
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I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Chicken bread
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party