[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
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Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.