Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
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Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Weirdos gonna weird.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
When you try jalapeños for the first time
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Home is where your toilet is.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”