Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
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[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
The internet is full of many things
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”