me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
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Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.