*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
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sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
awkward
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Good morning.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Need WebMD
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.