watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
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Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
FINE, I WON’T.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.