me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
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My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
? 💀
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
This raises questions
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Phonetics
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this