The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
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Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.