I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
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Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
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I still have Pringles?
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.