If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
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“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
never deleting this app.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at