This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
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I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I’m dying louder than usual today.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I believe the plural is “milves.”
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…