Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
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Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
asked my bf how work was today
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
A dad and his duck
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.