Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
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My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Google Pay be like:
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Cardio Made Easy
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds