[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
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dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
it was love at first sight
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG