9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
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Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY