alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
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Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
This is a whole mood;
Saturday
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.