Not really a humane solution in my opinion
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[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I ate everything, including the H.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.