Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
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I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
do what now??
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.