Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
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[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”