I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
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You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.